Five Whole Years

I rode in the passenger seat of one of my partners’ cars this evening, travelling to our next destination from a small gathering of fully vaccinated friends to an outdoor patio where we could write for this blog, which I’ve been feeling lots of angst about because I’ve been so happy lately. That may be an odd thing to feel angsty about, but I generally do my best writing for this blog when I’m going through something hard. I just . . . haven’t been. I mean I have, but it’s not relationship-based so it’s not good blog fodder.

I could tell you about the guy who told me I was shitty for cancelling a first date with him two days in advance after it became clear he needed therapy and not a girlfriend, but I nipped that in the bud before there was anything to tell.

I could write about the easy, relaxing love I feel for my amazing girlfriend and how it’s strange to second guess my experiences with her because they’re not difficult. But I think that’s more just me having settled into better relationship choices and intentionally partnering with folks who are on my level. Kinda boring to wax introspective about . . . something natural and healthy, yeah? Ugh, she’s great. We would bore you to tears with our effortless normalcy!

I could write about my decision to cohabit with one of my partners, and actually I started a blog about that, (negotiation, boundaries, finances, all the things), but it’s turning into more of a book about how to live with someone than a blog entry about nesting relationships. I must cull, and edit, and refine, and perhaps trim ⅞ of the subject matter. In any case, it’s not going to happen tonight, if ever.

But I guess what’s on my mind right now is that I’ve been writing this blog for five whole years, and how it’s become such an important part of my self worth. I love writing, and I love helping, and I love people. I love sharing all my dumb stuff so that others with dumb stuff feel better about theirs, and most importantly: less alone. I love swearing on the internet and using big words to soften the blow. I love making you laugh! (I hope I make you laugh.)

Tonight as we were driving, I went back to the posts I wrote in 2016 and read them aloud. I’d forgotten so much of my writing, but was relieved to find 2021 me still agreeing with 5-years-ago me! I suppose that’s a thing I can feel good about; I am nothing if not stubborn.

I will probably write this blog forever, adding to it whenever something moves me. I used to have a goal of publishing weekly, but quickly found that quantity is not my strong point. I promise to write you quality, when I have it, and to leave you alone when I don’t. My hope is to figure out a way to index this site a bit better so that my entries are more searchable and not just chronological with poorly-assigned hashtags. I co-own the very beginnings of a book with my frequent blog-contributor Adam, the working title of which is Compassionate Autonomy, because of course it is.

Over the years I’ve watched my blog go from getting one or two visits a week from readers in the United States. (Likely friends, partners, and perhaps a couple WordPress victims of random fresh-pressed feed suggestions.) To now, getting hundreds of readers a week from all over the world, and it’s beyond humbling. Every time I see something I’ve written shared somewhere, I experience the dying-inside/intense-pride dichotomy I will likely never master. I read myself and feel really good, and also incredibly exposed. I’m just happy to be here, even if it’s never any bigger than this. I don’t want to monetize it, or be even remotely famous. I have no sights set on being a public figure. I never want this to be work; I do my best when I’m left to my own devices meeting no one’s deadlines, not even my own.

Thank you for reading my words! Thank you for sharing them when you find them helpful and think they might help others. Thank you to every new follower – each one as exciting as the very first, I assure you. This public blog is very much a place I write for catharsis as much as anything else, so thank you also for being an important part of my emotional well-being. 

Much love,

-Rusty

PS. I finally got around to figuring out how to allow folks to sign up to receive blog updates via email. Voila!

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Photo by Michael Skok on Unsplash

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