I did not arrive in adulthood with a lot of communication tools. I knew how to be passive-aggressive and manipulative, and how to pretend I didn’t need or want anything from anyone. In high-stakes relationships, I was more likely to suffer quietly than risk my needs or wants driving someone away, and in lower-stakes situations I was often unkind to ward off anyone who might seek to hurt me.

Roughly twenty years ago I was fortunate enough to discover a support community focused on healthy interpersonal relationships. Through them, I came to understand what a life-changing thing authenticity can be. I learned to speak my truth instead of only what I thought others might want to hear, and I learned to do that even when it was scary and someone might not like what they heard. I discovered having boundaries meant I could keep myself safe, and that those who would rather I were unsafe, didn’t belong in my life.

Over time, I also learned the value compassion and empathy bring to exchanges when potentially upsetting information is communicated. Being supportive of others as they receive these truths goes a long way toward ensuring they’re honored as well as heard.

These days, my closest relationships are well served by authenticity, compassion, and honesty. The conversations necessary to maintain a healthy relationship with someone can be challenging at times, but that doesn’t make them any less necessary.

It feels important to acknowledge it takes a lot of courage to invest in direct, open, and honest communication, so that’s what I call them: courageous conversations. It sounds better than difficult conversations and the words we use to talk about what we do often informs the approach for everyone involved. If you call a thing hard, people expect that and have their defenses at the ready. If you call a thing courageous, then everyone has permission to feel a little anxious and not entirely alone in that.

Some folks find scheduling regular check-ins with their partners to be a gentle way of addressing issues that arise. A good template for this is Multiamory’s RADAR.

Before RADAR was a thing, I used to do something similar with my polycule on a quarterly basis and through those check-ins, we discovered what was and was not conducive to a productive discussion.

This list hits the highlights:

• A date on the calendar – a recurring date, or an ad hoc date far enough out to give people time to anticipate and mentally prepare for a discussion is ideal. Some things may need to be addressed before too much time has elapsed, but if it can wait until everyone has had an opportunity to gather their thoughts, that typically has a better outcome than heat-of-the-moment conversations.
• An agenda – this keeps the discussion focused and avoids anyone feeling blindsided by a topic. Agreeing to a recurring agenda, or exchanging texts or emails with a list of topics (not personal essays) a couple days prior to the meeting works really well.
• A private but neutral location – where everyone feels safe and comfortable. Ideally somewhere everyone has equal rights, particularly if there are elements of hierarchy between members of the discussion like a primary partner and a secondary partner.
• Tissues – because feelings happen!
• Sugar – or foods, or anything to keep energy up. I don’t recommend alcohol. While it may relax people at the outset, it has the potential to go badly. I like to make a dinner and then chat over dessert. Cooking the dinner together beforehand is a nice way to kick it off, too.

And then you need to prep your own self for this activity with the following:

• An open mind – because of course you do.
• A detachment from the outcome – this is a team effort. You may ask for something that cannot be provided. They may address an issue you feel defensive about. You need only share your part, and let them share theirs. The outcome is a natural occurrence, not a known destination you steer toward.
• No ulterior motives. We can use words to influence or manipulate, but are better served showing up having left our defense mechanisms at the door. This is especially true when communicating an injury or hurt feeling. Your motivation is known only to you, so be sure you’re worthy of the trust being placed in you during these conversations.
• Compassion – an acknowledgement that everyone is coming to the table with a sense of vulnerability, and that what you need to feel safe is generally also what they need to feel safe.

To run through an example, let’s pretend I struggled with feeling like I was an intruder on my partner’s date with someone they’re experiencing NRE with, during an event we all attended together.

• Agenda – whether it’s an impromptu meeting on a single issue or a recurring check-in, I share in advance I’d like to talk about how our outing went for me. I avoid writing a big long list of feelings, because dumping beforehand is unfair and it doesn’t give my partner a chance to process in the same space.
• Presentation – I will admit to having an unexpected reaction during what should be a normal activity for us. I will acknowledge the new and exciting nature of the other partnership, but share specifically why I was left feeling the way I did. I will not prescribe a solution, but will instead allow my partner to share the same event from their perspective. I will not blame him for doing anything wrong.
• Listening – I will listen with an open mind to what my partner’s experience was during the outing just as he listened to me. He may have been unaware of any difference in his behavior towards me, or he may have felt I was being distant for my own reasons and erred on the side of giving me space.
• Discussion – questions may be asked here for clarity, or proposals of possible solutions. This is often a place where epiphanies occur. This is not a place to argue whose version of events is “correct” but rather a place to acknowledge both experiences were had.
• Resolution – sometimes just knowing what someone else’s experience was compared to yours is enough. But once we’ve both heard each other and achieved clarity, we may opt to change something to avoid the same issue in the future. This is where we agree on how to best support one another given the information we now both possess.

As we move through our agenda, each issue is addressed and talked through to resolution, to the best of our ability. When we wrap up, I like to say I’m proud of the effort we put into making our relationship healthy because expressing appreciation for what enhances your life goes a long way toward maintaining it.

Sometimes the issues are big and emotional and it can feel like a marathon, and sometimes we’re just trying to understand each other, but whatever the scope, these courageous conversations improve on what we’ve built and strengthen the foundation we rely on.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash