**Originally written in 2016, this posted was updated in July of 2024.

One of my favorite poly-epiphanies is this: my partners are with me because they want to be. There is magic in that.

Once upon a time, I was in a long-term monogamous marriage. As I reflect on that period in my life, I see how attached I was to the idea that we had to stay together. To meet expectations (our own, and those of others), to prove we could overcome whatever obstacle we were confronted with (and there were many), and to avoid the insecurity of feeling we might never find love again.

After returning to non-monogamy after that relationship, I no longer feel trapped by society’s expectations of the connections I have with others. Because I already love outside the parameters of the dominant narrative, their standards for what success looks like in a relationship do not apply to me.

For me, rejecting monogamy as a default framework for relationships aligns with my core values. I do not believe monogamy is wrong, or a less-evolved way to have a romantic relationship . . . I just believe it shouldn’t be compulsory and that folks should consider how they really feel about intimate connections with others before deciding there’s only one way to manage them.

What I know to be true for me is akin to the old adage about setting free what you love and knowing that if it comes back, it’s real. That is my experience in non-monogamy. We are all free to pursue what makes us happy without restrictions, and we choose each other over and over, every day. Nothing is pushing us together – we simply are, because it works. Because it’s good. Because it feels like it’s meant to be. And in a way that is very tangible to me, the bonds I create with partners these days feel more solid for that.

We may be limited by the hours in a day (a week, a month, a life), the responsibilities of adulting, or the other significant relationships in our lives, but our time together is a choice, not an obligation; that is the magical distinction. And while the effort expended to maintain these connections is significant, it’s never work.

And it’s the only way I want to be in a relationship.

Should it ever become laborious . . . should it ever turn into something that drains our energy instead of feeding it – we will know it’s time to let it go. One of the ways polyamory feeds my soul is by removing the pressure of trying to make an unworkable thing work. And I have been there, believe me.

I loved my spouse very much and still do, but we stayed together much longer than we should have to the detriment of ourselves, and our children, because we believed that a relationship transitioned from the life-bond of marriage to something less than that can only be understood as a failure.

Becoming comfortable with the idea that loss is inevitable is no small undertaking, but the journey yields peace even as you realize there isn’t necessarily a destination to arrive at. I could lose my loves tomorrow, or at the end of my life, but I understand that eventually what I have with them will cease to be in some way. In my growing ease with that, I find the courage to love them with my whole self.

And I’m pretty sure that’s how love was meant to be.

Photo by Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash