A large number of posts in non-monogamous groups ask whether or not something could be considered "cheating." Thoughtful responses challenging the notion as a concept prompted me to ask the question: Is the concept of “cheating” really of any value in non-monogamy? I’m beginning to think it might not be. We know “cheating” as it's [...]
Punishment is not a Component of Forgiveness
Tell me if this sounds familiar: Blue and Green are in a relationship. Blue does something that hurts Green. Blue apologizes to Green, makes amends, and changes their behavior. Green accepts the apology but digs at the original issue whenever it comes up for them. What’s going on here? Well, it turns out that accepting [...]
It Might Be Grief
If you can’t put your finger on why something feels wrong because no one is doing anything wrong, but you’re certain there’s something behind that wrong feeling, it might be grief. Stay with me on this one . . . We ask a lot of ourselves in non-monogamy: challenging the dominant narrative, asking others to [...]
Why Do Things Without Your Partner?
There was a time I believed being as alike as possible to someone was the key to romantic harmony. I considered becoming a single entity the goal of a long term relationship. Two beings, very in love, forming an unbreakable bond in which they lose sight of any sense of self and become one. Having [...]
Polysaturation: Do I Have Enough To Give?
I appreciate the concept of polysaturation, a piece of wordplay I both admire for its cleverness and find useful in the discussion of non-monogamy, but I prefer to consider being spread too thin overall since the bandwidth I have for a relationship of any sort is entirely dependent on what else is going on in [...]
Guest Blog: Is Dating Harder for Men in Non-Monogamy?
Non-monogamy makes dating harder for men! No. Let me reiterate that: no, it doesn’t.This is directed squarely at the largely cishet men so many of us have come across complaining about how non-monogamy makes dating more difficult for men. And, to a lesser extent, their well-intentioned partners trying to help (e.g. posting in ENM groups [...]
Descriptive Hierarchy is a Misnomer
When you view your partners, and yourself, as autonomous individuals who exist in proximity to each other but aren’t defined by it, you’re rewarded with relationships based on secure connections between adults.
Guest Blog: Finite Resources in Relationships
Love is abundant and not a zero sum game. That is, loving others will never reduce what’s available for others. We experience this all the time with friends, children, siblings, etc. It truly is an infinite resource. But while love is an infinite resource, our lives are full of others that are. Regardless of your [...]
When It’s Complosion, Not Compersion
** New Word Alert! Complosion: when you want to feel happy that your partner is experiencing something with someone else they are involved with, but it all blows up in your psyche instead. [see: opposite of compersion] ** . . . Yes, I 100% made that word up . . . One of my most [...]
Forgiving Yourself in Relationships
Folks navigating relationships in a monoamorous framework benefit from a wealth of resources related to their journey. In non-monogamy we’re often left using a trial-and-error model to teach ourselves what works and what doesn’t. Understandably, we mess up a lot before we figure things out. I promise you I am no exception to this rule. [...]