Guest Blog: The Need to Know

A common stumbling block in relationships, non-monogamy in particular, is feeling like you must know what your partner is up to in order to feel safe in your relationship. Inevitably we find this is just an illusion; a thing we tell ourselves in order to feel safe because that’s what we’ve been immersed in our entire lives. If we know our partners’ every move, then we have some sort of control. And control feels safe.

This compulsion manifests in ways you may not realize without introspection. Are you talking to someone else where there’s the remotest of possibilities that you’ll become romantically and/or sexually involved? Where are you going on your date? What are your intentions? Did you kiss them? What can I find out about your potential interest on my own by digging deeper than what’s probably healthy? OMG DID YOU TOUCH THEIR BUTT?!? True story. . . each of these happened to me and/or I’ve done them. 

The longer I practice non-monogamy, the less I need to know these things. Over time, I felt them becoming a burden and not a relief. They never brought the feeling of safety I sought. That’s not to say I don’t still feel the pull of those strings from time to time; I’m human, as much as I like to tell myself otherwise. When I struggled, I found myself asking questions of my partner that, in retrospect, were absolutely none of my business. I performed plenty of mental gymnastics trying to justify it, but every time I sat with it, it became clear to me that having the information was unnecessary. Worse yet, trying to source that information resulted in other problems. 

I’ve been there . . . Wanting a “heads up” for various things. Interested in someone. Asking someone out. Sex. Love. All of the usual things people in relationships do. Yet I NEEDED to know when they were going to happen for a partner so I could brace myself! Ultimately, I found myself obsessing over when each milestone would occur. This resulted in prolonged and more intense worrying. It fed upon itself. I’d worry about a thing happening. OK…I’ll be OK if I KNOW the thing is going to happen soon. Shit. Now I’m worrying about hearing about that. Eventually, I would realize these are normal things in normal relationships and accept that they won’t cause me harm.

Today I find myself in a place where I am comfortable not knowing as much. Not because my partners are less important to me or because they’ve done anything in particular to change my point of view, rather because I found security in myself and my relationships. 

I trust my partners want to be with me because of how they show up with me, and no longer feel fear when they show interest in others. 

How do we let go of this compulsion to know things that aren’t any of our business in the first place to ultimately be OK with it? 

Rusty’s suggestions:

  • Visualize your partner working through all your questions. Then visualize them not having to. Which version of your partner is happier? Which version do you want to facilitate?
  • Imagine yourself being asked for these details. How does it feel? Do you want others to feel that way?
  • Name the fear that exists in the absence of this information. Do you have a way to ask for reassurance that does not request this information?
  • Examine any feelings of entitlement you have and imagine how your relationship could evolve if entitlement was replaced with trust in your partner’s decisions.

How and where you enter non-monogamy can play a big role in this, as can our cultural upbringing. If you come to non-monogamy while single, you may have a fear of new partners not taking your commitment seriously. Many of us come to non-monogamy with an existing partner so losing them can be a big fear. Even those who have never practiced monogamy can struggle with similar insecurities. Regardless of which path you traveled, you might be tempted to start building obstacles to autonomy to feel safer. Or wanting to know the where, what, when and why related to a partner’s dating life. Work instead to trust that you’re special to those in your life. Find value in yourself. And understand that your partners think you’re a great person and want to be with you. Because you are. And they do.

Since mid 2016, Adam (he/him) has been an educator and presenter in the ENM community. He realized he was polyamorous in high school and has practiced various forms of non-monogamy ever since. With a primary goal of normalizing a variety of relationship structures, he shows up as his authentic self: an egalitarian polyamorist who practices relationship anarchy.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Guest Blog: Building Obstacles to Autonomy

If you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you may have noticed the common thread of autonomy and how it applies to various types of relationships. Rusty and I strive to practice it in our relationships and encourage others to do the same. At its core, autonomy is what this entire blog is about.

The culturally dominant narrative of monogamy does not foster nor encourage much autonomy. That isn’t to say it can’t exist there, rather that it’s not as prevalent. Known generally as “the monogamy hangover,” bleed over of toxic relationship practices lead to eroding one’s autonomy. When we allow this bleed over to compel us to place restrictions of some sort on our partner(s), we refer to that as relationship protectionism.

As someone who’s practiced various forms of ethical non-monogamy, I will readily admit to having asked for and consented to various forms of relationship protectionism. Every time one of us would reach a point where these agreements would stop us from doing what one naturally does in a relationship, we saw how problematic they were. Not only was everyone’s autonomy in jeopardy, but the agreements caused other problems that then needed to be addressed as well.

Relationship protection agreements are often made under the misguided notion it will make everyone feel safe and secure by keeping fears at arm’s length. The reality is that it achieves neither and usually only lays the groundwork for future resentments. Honoring autonomy is scary because it means partners have agency to do what makes them happy, even if it’s not what you would have them do.

A common agreement in non-monogamous relationships is the ubiquitous “heads up,” requiring a partner to let the other know before they do a thing with someone else. I’ve been that person. On both sides. It felt like no big deal to ask for and give a “heads up” before proceeding with another person . . . in theory. In practice, we both noticed quickly that it being compulsory felt wrong. Instead of our other relationships (potential or existing) progressing of their own accord, we would occasionally hold back to make sure we honored our agreement. And on the other side? Who wants to wait around for someone to tell you they’re going to do a thing and OH MY GOD I NEED TO PROCESS THIS NOW.

Odds are you’ve either been a part of, have encountered, or will encounter the “heads up” agreement. You and/or your partners are going to do things like flirt with someone, get their number, go on a date, and maybe even doing things that adults do with people they’re into, like fall in love or haveThe Sex. It can’t be avoided, but we’ll be damned if we’re not going to build an obstacle course for them to go through first.

Many people use relationship protectionism to avoid doing the work they should be doing in the first place. Instead, people often try to redirect that responsibility onto others or push it out as far as possible by making it more difficult for their partner to proceed naturally in their relationships. I had a short lived agreement of this nature with one of my partners around sex in specific. We sat down and had a long, drawn out conversation and discussed all sorts of different options . . . you know, as poly people do from time to time. Ultimately, we wanted to be as loose as possible and keep it simple with “give me a heads up if you consider sex to be on the table with someone you’re seeing.” There’s a few ways this was problematic, but with how she and I generally operated, it seemed fine. We felt uncomfortable to varying degrees with the notion of telling the other this tidbit of information. I found myself delaying natural progression in relationships because I was nervous to tell my partner for fear of them feeling bad. Just another hurdle that doesn’t belong in what’s already a challenging enough process for people.

Getting rid of relationship protectionisms requires a strong sense of boundaries as well as proactively doing our work before it becomes necessary to do it. If you know your partner will eventually do something with someone else that may make you uncomfortable, why wait until it’s upon you to do the work? Identify the source of your feelings and do the necessary work of sitting with and sorting through them beforehand and save yourself and your partners the anguish.

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Since mid 2016, Adam (he/him) has been an educator and presenter in the ENM community. He realized he was poly in high school and has practiced various forms of non-monogamy ever since. With a primary goal of normalizing a variety of relationship structures, he shows up as his authentic self: an egalitarian polyamorist who practices relationship anarchy.