If your partner struggles with jealousy, you’ve probably asked yourself: “How can I keep my partner from feeling this way?” or “How do I help my partner manage this?”
It’s perfectly natural to want to save the day with solutions, particularly if you’re having an easier time of it than they are. It can feel like it’s your responsibility to address and manage someone’s negative experience even if you’re doing nothing wrong. Especially if you, (or they), see your actions as the root cause.
Jealousy is a natural emotion we all wrestle with in some way, to some degree, at some time. Trying to solve someone’s feelings isn’t possible; bending over backwards to prevent someone’s feelings isn’t sustainable. In fact, most efforts motivated by a desire to prevent feelings generally lead to larger issues like resentment and unreasonable precedents.
May I suggest this question instead: How do I show up well for my partner when they’re experiencing this feeling? The answer to which lies mostly in what not to do.
Do not attempt to do their important work for them!
Becoming the best version of ourselves is an uphill battle. If you feel you’ve been where your loved one is, it can be tempting to take them by the hand and lead them up the mountain you climbed to find your answers. But knowing the way up your mountain doesn’t qualify you to climb theirs.
New experiences foster growth; being protected/prevented from having them robs us of those opportunities. And while the compulsion to do so is understandable, it is also infantilizing and unnecessary. More appropriate is a practice rooted in compassionate autonomy wherein you acknowledge your loved one’s feelings, (because they’re real), and support them by listening and encouraging healthy attempts to navigate rough terrain. This can be tough because it means taking a less active role, but practice means progress and it gets easier with time.
I support my partners in their own efforts, but I don’t make their efforts mine. I go out of my way to love them the best I can, but I don’t trespass against my boundaries to do so – and when I am asked to do so, I say no.
Do not make yourself miserable to prevent someone else’s misery.
You’ve probably been taught that limiting your autonomy for the comfort of others is normal and even desirable. It feels unnatural and sometimes painful to counter that. It takes courage to do things differently while the world around you romanticizes the very thing you’re trying not to do. While feelings like jealousy just are, we get to choose how we behave when we’re experiencing them. It is important to allow your partners the dignity of managing their reactions and behavior rather than attempting to control it with your own.
When you attend to your partner’s feelings by listening, validating, and reassuring them while still doing the super okay and normal thing that’s maybe triggering the jealousy, you are loving them through the experience instead of preventing them from having the experience.
Side note: People don’t always show up the best when they’re experiencing jealousy. They may attempt to cast you as the villain in their story or insinuate that even though you’re doing exactly what was agreed to, you’re still hurting them. Sometimes folks overcome with jealousy attempt to make rules for others or lash out with words. While we can understand where those behaviors are coming from, it doesn’t make them acceptable. You keep yourself safe by insisting on being treated with respect and kindness, and by having solid boundaries in that regard.
Do be helpful in the ways that feel right to you.
There are plenty of ways you can offer assistance to someone experiencing jealousy. A great barometer for whether or not something in this category meets your standards of autonomy is asking yourself if you’d do this for a close platonic friend.
- Being present and not taking the jealousy personally is HUGE. Asking what would be helpful, (talking it out, listening, etc.), goes a long way toward making sure they know you don’t expect them to hide how they’re feeling.
- If they’re struggling to make new connections in the dating world, you can offer to review their dating profile or take pictures of them for that purpose. I love seeing the pictures I take of my partners on their dating profiles because it means they like the way they look in them and I want that for them!
- Treating someone with compassion, especially when they’re not feeling their best, usually benefits everyone involved. If I have a partner who’s clearly down regarding something I’m doing with another partner, I don’t ignore that reality. I may make a favorite treat before I head out, or initiate some extra snuggle time. I’ve also been known to leave notes for them to find when I can’t be there but want them to know I’m thinking of them and I care.
And what if you’re the one experiencing jealousy?
No matter the triggering event, the most important thing to manage is how you show up in those feelings and that you take accountability for addressing them without infringing upon others. Having feelings doesn’t hurt anyone, but acting out of your feelings certainly can. We can ask for what we need and want so long as “no” is always an acceptable answer, and we can not infringe upon others by not making them responsible for our feelings or behavior. This is critical as it’s the difference between relating to one another vs. expecting to be catered to.
When I ask for reassurance instead of accommodation I feel a lot more lovable than when I expect others to make their happiness smaller. I sometimes have to ask myself how a better version of me would show up but I never regret choosing to do as she would.
Saying “I don’t need anything to be different” takes a lot of the anxiety out of the moment for all involved. When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, I try not to ask for things that would limit anyone’s autonomy. I’m not always perfect, and in those cases, the “no” I received was a gift because it reminded me I am capable of handling things without anyone giving up their freedom for me.
Knowing you will be okay, even if the moment you’re in is hard right now, is no small empowerment. But the only way to come to that understanding is to keep having experiences that reinforce it. That is to say, to keep prioritizing the autonomy of those close to you, as well as yourself, and asking to be loved through a thing instead of sheltered from it.
So yeah, jealousy sucks; it’s normal and it sucks. You can make those feelings worse while building a precarious tower of resentment, or you can go about things in a way that strengthens all your foundations. I guess what doesn’t suck is that you have a choice in the matter, and choices are pretty neat.