I used to say: you can’t hurt me with the truth. But you know what? Sometimes the truth does hurt, so I’ve since amended that to be: you cannot harm me by being honest with me.

It is not a revelation to anyone that honesty is a critical component of healthy interpersonal relationships, but there are some very specific ways folks withhold important truths for fear of being “too much.” As though having too many emotions to process, or needs, or wants, might drive their partner away. Mustering the courage to be that vulnerable with your partners is what I’m referring to in this essay.

If you’d like to read about the other role in this exchange, and work on being a **safe person to be honest with** – check out: Receiving “Open, Honest Communication” Takes Courage

I am a person with Big Feelings. I have a neurotype that likes to take those Big Feelings, roll them in gasoline and light them on fire. I’m great at parties! Sometimes these flameballs manifest when something happens that triggers an OLD Big Feeling, and that generally leads to a lot of emotional labor on my part to get back in the moment and begin introspective work on whether or not anything needs to be done about it.

I’ve found if I allow myself to feel the things, as opposed to avoiding them, difficult parts of the process abate and I may not need to follow up on anything. But sometimes, after the feeling becomes more right-sized, I discover I have an unmet need or become aware of a boundary I need to communicate. 

And those are scary, because it means I have to AsK soMEbOdy fOr sOmeTHiNg. UGH.

When that is the case, it behooves me to remember how I feel on the other side of this issue. When someone needs to come to me with something they’re afraid to tell me, I want to be a safe place to do that. Whether it’s just sharing their truth, or needing something to be different in our relationship, I welcome every piece of information that allows me to understand “us” more completely.

I want the people I care about to know it’s helpful for them to communicate the scary things. When I need to love someone through something, more information is better; I don’t know what I don’t know. I can’t help you with something if you don’t name it. Chances are I’m picking up on your emotional struggle, and while you don’t owe me the details, it’s hard to tip-toe around an invisible elephant without bumping into it by accident.

Holding onto a hurt feeling or a resentment won’t make it better. Once you’ve sat with something for a moment to understand what you’re reacting to, it’s best to speak your truth. At the very least, you get to give voice to your experience. Best case? I get to own my piece and we get to move forward. Without that, I risk bumping into the same bruised spot on that invisible elephant over and over because I have no idea something needs to change.

If I’m in a relationship with you, romantic or otherwise, I want to invest in your happiness and security. I can’t fix your problems, but I can hear you, and I can do things differently if I need to, or hold your hand if that’s helpful.

And while this feels like navigating an emotional labyrinth in any relationship, addressing issues that arise due to operating in a non-monogamous framework can feel like navigating that territory on a foundation of quicksand. 

When you reject the idea that you are “one” with the person you’re in a romantic relationship with, and accept they may form those same attachments with others as well as you, unlearning monogamy and wrestling with whether the feelings that come up need to drive changes can put you firmly back into the “too much” category in your mind. But all the same components of a healthy relationship still need to be honored, even if they’re kind of next-level scary.

So bear in mind the following, and have confidence that your sharing and requests are reasonable, even if there’s additional complexity in the task because the issue is interwoven with other high-value relationships in someone’s life:

• It’s okay to misunderstand someone and ask for clarification – it’s not okay to assume the worst and build a massive resentment against them without giving them a chance to explain. You will rarely hear me call something “unfair” but this really is. To everyone. 
  Clarification means you have all the information you need to process what you’re walking through before asking for anything to be different. 

• You can’t harm someone with the truth when there is no ill intent in speaking it. You can bring painful elements into the conversation, however. Even when you are hurt, you should attend to the exchange in a compassionate way. Just saying how you feel is not a demand for special treatment. It’s not a tantrum. It’s not a punishment or accusation. But your behavior can fall into those categories.
  Note: If you are motivated by anything other than a desire to improve the connection you have with someone, it’s best to continue with introspection until you’re in a place to show up in a way you won’t regret later.

Please pay special attention to that last one. It’s the difference between building solid connections and being a complete fucking asshole.

I am lucky enough to partner with people who value communication, directness, and compassion; I don’t know how to do relationships any other way. The anxiety birthed by unspoken hurts and multiplied between us is too much to bear. An investment in direct and rigorous honesty has brought a depth to my relationships that I cannot fathom living without.

It’s not always perfect. Sometimes courageous conversations get clunky, but this is always true: Your feelings are valid, even if they’re a product of something you wish you weren’t dealing with. 

After all, there’s a reason we use the verb “to lean” when we’re sharing tough stuff – a heavy load is easier when you have support, and the people who care about you will give you exactly that.

Photo by Matthew Waring on Unsplash