I don’t hide my relationship structure on social media, in public, or with friends and family. I am fortunate; I am not in danger of losing my support network by being myself but that is not the truth of everyone’s story. For many, their practice of non-monogamy becoming public knowledge could result in job loss, excommunication, or loss of child custody.

If you decide to date someone who cannot be publicly non-monogamous, it’s a good idea to have a frank discussion about what that will and will not include before your heart becomes too involved. Can you post pictures of them on social media? Will you need to avoid certain places? Is this a temporary situation, or do they see a need for anonymity long term? You might be surprised by the reality of these limitations when compared to a hypothetical, but having all of the information up front allows you to make an informed decision. 

Some time ago, I had a partner who was not open about non-monogamy with most family, friends, or colleagues. They felt revealing this fact about themselves posed a threat to their security, both financial and emotional, and as a result there were times I needed to appear to be their platonic friend, and not their partner.

Initially I agreed to being a secret because the alternative was losing out on being with someone I felt deeply connected to, but it was hard. Really hard. I wanted to be present and supportive, attending social gatherings with him and his long-term, not-secret partner, but I struggled with grief and insecurity as our connection was kept from those closest to him in the same spaces they were visibly partnered. 

On some level I knew it wasn’t about me, but there was a nasty voice in my head telling me all sorts of painful things: 

For many reasons, it didn’t work for me to be in a relationship as a hidden partner, but there are plenty of people for whom this is only a minor concern and nowhere close to a deal-breaker. There are also plenty of folks unsure if this type of arrangement will work for them or not, but they’d like to try. 

To those folks, I offer a list of things I found helpful at the time:

• Negotiate each public outing beforehand. Can you ride to and from the event with your partner? Can you sit next to them? How can you answer personal questions from other attendees without lying? Knowing what you can expect to have happen can soothe anxiety created by uncertainty.
• Be honest about your concerns. Discuss them beforehand, and debrief afterwards with your partner. Talk through what went well for you, and what did not. Pay attention to what could have been different and collaborate to improve the next experience.
• Be prepared to leave if you’re uncomfortable. Let your partner know it’s a possibility, and have a plan in place so you don’t feel trapped. Be gentle with yourself if/when that happens. An awful lot is being asked of you and sometimes it’s overwhelming. Leaving is always okay.
• Consider bringing another person for support. Having someone by your side who knows what you’re going through and can actively support you without risk is a gift in any situation.

But above all, go into these situations allowing for the fact that you do not know what you do not know. You cannot predict the impact certain limitations will have on your ability to feel valued in a relationship, and you must not beat yourself up for having agreed to something it turns out you do not want to manage. Opting into something doesn’t mean you can’t opt out. Have that conversation, too. 

I believe being a good partner means doing extra work at times. I also believe not all work is necessary. You get to decide the amount you’re willing to put in for what’s available in return, but in all endeavors make sure you ask for what you need and want to feel emotionally safe. 

People who truly care about you will want that for you, too.

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash