What it Looks Like

I am dealing with a medical issue in my damn hand that makes it very hard to type, so this week’s post is going to lean pretty heavily on an external link I think everyone should look at. It’s one I’ve shared on social media a couple of times, but I will continue to sing its praises and give it all the attention because based on recent events, it just hasn’t made it far enough!

Not too long ago, I was made aware that one of my relationships doesn’t meet some unnamed standard for inclusion in polyamory.

*cue maniacal laughter*

I consider myself to have two partners, as stated in my Profile. One relationship looks pretty cis/het/standard. The other does not. So here is what I have to say about what it looks like to anyone outside of the relationship itself: this does not concern you.

I don’t want to give that more attention than it deserves, but believe me . . . I could go on.

Let’s bring it into focus.

Cis/het/mono couples deal with this shit all the time . . . “when are you going to get married?” “when are you going to have children?”


The whole Marriage Equality debate was rooted in the idea that same-gender couplings were somehow less valid than mixed-gender ones – and I think most of us can agree that line of thinking only leads to bullshit.

Everyday Feminism published a comic last year by Joamette Gil that speaks so much to the way I live as a polyamorous person. It’s titled 5 Radical Ways People Do Non-Monogamy That You Need to Know About and it’s beautiful. I want you to read it.

And then, I want you to consider that gauging the experiences of another person using only yours as a reference guide is limiting. Instead of telling someone their life doesn’t meet criteria you know as “standard,” attempt to understand that your criteria doesn’t exist to validate their experiences.

The messages you put out into the world have a scale, and that scale measures insecurity and negativity on the same side of the same axis. I know that the more negative you are with me, the less safe you feel with yourself.

People can call their relationships, their gender configurations, their sexual orientations, and their racial identities anything they damn please and it will not negatively affect or dilute or erase the ones you have for yourself. Because those are yours, and you don’t need to be scared of things that look different but have the same name.

So my message this week is simple: I’m okay; you’re okay. Now stop being a dick so I can hug you.



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