There are those outside of the non-monogamous community who see it as a sure-fire cure for loneliness. All the partners all the time! Lol, no. I am here to tell you that is far from the case.

Sometimes I’m super lonely; sometimes we all are. 

When I share this sentiment in the circles I frequent, many folks suggest getting another partner to fill this gap. To that I say: no one is a substitute for anyone else. In addition, it’s never been my goal to have multiple partners – I am non-monogamous simply because I enjoy my autonomy and not having limits placed on my relationships by anyone outside of those arrangements. 

Being non-monogamous does not guarantee you multiple partners, or any partner at all, actually. When you are partnered, juggling and accommodating the schedules of multiple people, (partners, metamours, families), commitments, (work, recreation, appointments, travel), the commitments of those multiple people, and the others they’re considering and accommodating, add some distance . . . well, you get the picture. It’s more likely that three people will all be available on the same Wednesday evening in a month than each of them on the separate days you’re looking for one-on-one time with them, and when you do want to do something as a group, it will be the week no one has mutual days free. I promise. It’s like a law or something. Ask me how I know!

So yeah, sometimes, regardless of how many partners I have, I am left with more days than I’d like that don’t contain any of them. The same is true of friends as well. And community events. Sometimes there just isn’t an outlet for what I’m craving. And you know what? That’s okay.

I used to treat loneliness as a flaw or weakness, but I’m learning to acknowledge it as just another way to feel at times, and that I can choose to make myself feel worse by not using that time in a way that benefits me to a greater degree than wallowing in it. 

I have a jar. In this jar there are all manner of things written on scraps of paper. Chores, projects, things I do to relax, minor things, major things, errands, treats, you name it. I get a fair amount of joy from letting the universe decide what I’ll be doing with my free time. Sometimes it’s the dishes, and sometimes it’s working on an art project. I know that sometimes I’ll be painting my nails, and other times I’ll be writing a letter to a friend who lives across the country. For whatever reason, taking the decision-making out of the moment eliminates 99% of how I waste my own time, and I always seem to pick something better than just doing nothing. 

Look, I’m not going to cure loneliness. I can’t manifest a solution to that existential longing out of thin air. I can, however, choose to use one of my most finite resources (time) to add value to my own life. And so can you.