I did not arrive in adulthood with a lot of communication tools. I knew how to be passive-aggressive and manipulative, and how to pretend I didn't need or want anything from anyone. In high-stakes relationships, I was more likely to suffer quietly than risk my needs or wants driving someone away, and in lower-stakes situations [...]
I used to say: you can't hurt me with the truth. But you know what? Sometimes the truth does hurt, so I've since amended that to be: you cannot harm me by being honest with me. It is not a revelation to anyone that honesty is a critical component of healthy interpersonal relationships, but there [...]
I’m sure you’ve heard the key to a successful relationship is “open, honest communication.” While these terms mean something different to nearly everyone, most can agree that a situation in which openness and honesty are met with negative consequences is hardly conducive to trying again and again to achieve it. Unfortunately, this often happens when [...]
In 2016, when I was 40 freaking years old and a divorced mother of three, I had a doctor tell me I should not consent to having barrier-free sex with anyone who didn’t have to pay to get rid of me [cringe]. She said this to me as we were wrapping up my annual exam [...]
One of the most common questions I see agonized over in ENM community groups is how to walk one’s children through the concept of intentional non-monogamy. The default position appears to be to keep one’s children in the dark, likening one’s rejection of compulsory monogamy to sexual deviance. I have a different take; no one [...]
When do I tell someone I'm interested in that I'm polyamorous? I see this question posed a lot in online forums when the topic of dating is up for discussion. My answer is very simple: first thing. I'm on one or two online dating sites, and my status as a non-monogamous person is very clearly [...]
It is really hard to ask for what you want. This isn't just a relationship issue - it's a fear issue. We don't want to want more of someone than they want to give us. In polyamory, sometimes the stakes feel even higher because my partners have other partners and do not risk being alone [...]
One of the reasons I write this blog is to contribute in whatever small way I can to the normalization of polyamory. I want the way I love to not be weird to people. It feels normal to me, but at times I'm struck by how my treatment of it as normal is seen as [...]
I have two very different romantic relationships: an open relationship with a woman whose other partnerships are pursued without any obligation to me as far as notification and whose love interests I rarely meet until they become more serious, and a more structured relationship with a man whose love interests I am well aware of [...]
If you have landed on this page, please click here to read a more current version of this essay: Strengthening Relationships with Courageous Conversations One of the practices I've found helpful as a polyamorous person is the having of courageous conversations. I like to call them this as opposed to "difficult discussions" because I want to [...]
Poly With a Big Heart 