I did not arrive in adulthood with a lot of communication tools. I knew how to be passive-aggressive and manipulative, and how to pretend I didn't need or want anything from anyone. In high-stakes relationships, I was more likely to suffer quietly than risk my needs or wants driving someone away, and in lower-stakes situations [...]
I used to say: you can't hurt me with the truth. But you know what? Sometimes the truth does hurt, so I've since amended that to be: you cannot harm me by being honest with me. It is not a revelation to anyone that honesty is a critical component of healthy interpersonal relationships, but there [...]
I haven’t felt like dating anyone new in a while. Years, actually. Every time I consider it, I feel incredibly tired and somewhat panicked about a little finite resource known as time. I have so many projects and active interests at the moment I'm more inclined to find people to do those things with than [...]
My blog is 8 years old now, and while I stand behind my writing on this site, it is not without flaws. Whether they be in grammar or content, I am going to be cleaning some things up to ensure they align with who I am now, and that they’re easily processed and understood. To [...]
A large number of posts in non-monogamous groups ask whether or not something could be considered "cheating." Thoughtful responses challenging the notion as a concept prompted me to ask the question: Is the concept of “cheating” really of any value in non-monogamy? I’m beginning to think it might not be. We know “cheating” as it's [...]
Tell me if this sounds familiar: Blue and Green are in a relationship. Blue does something that hurts Green. Blue apologizes to Green, makes amends, and changes their behavior. Green accepts the apology but digs at the original issue whenever it comes up for them. What’s going on here? Well, it turns out that accepting [...]
If you can’t put your finger on why something feels wrong because no one is doing anything wrong, but you’re certain there’s something behind that wrong feeling, it might be grief. Stay with me on this one . . . We ask a lot of ourselves in non-monogamy: challenging the dominant narrative, asking others to [...]
Whether you're brand new to non-monogamy or a seasoned practitioner, negotiating the scope and terms of a new relationship can feel daunting. What should you discuss up front? How do you reconcile mis-matches? How do you communicate what you do and do not want? I hate to regurgitate the word “communicate” over and over, but [...]
Traditional dating within a monogamous framework has somewhat of a script to work with . . . Do you have/want children? Are you a smoker? What’s your attitude towards therapy? Did you vote for Trump? Twice? Most of us know ourselves well enough to know what will render a prospective partner fundamentally incompatible and asking [...]
As non-monogamous relationships become more socially acceptable, greater numbers of people are curious about whether or not it’s for them. While exploring, they seek community support and trusted resources. Social media groups are a great place to find like-minded people with valuable experience. You can ask questions of others from all walks of life: lifelong [...]
Poly With a Big Heart 